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Love Relationships
Everyone in your life is there to mirror you - and vice versa.
By your reactions to others you find out who you are.
It is always necessary to handle one’s issues in the only place where they have ever existed - in one’s own consciousness.
Sadly, so many people try to change the other person to make themselves feel good. That simply is not the answer — ever!
There is something called love which is spiritual, eternal and unconditional; and there are these things called relationships which are based on the barter system: "I’ll do something for you if you do what I want." Relationships are conditional and based in the realm of the changeable. Love is not always required.
Clearly spoken, sex is not love, it is sex.
It may need to be dealt with within the context of a relationship, but that doesn’t make sex the same as love.
Romance is not love when it is based in fantasy.
It can be used as a substitute for tenderness and caring. It is, too often, more like foreplay than love. I recently read that certain scientists have concluded that infatuations not only are not love, they are delusional! This gives a whole new meaning to "madly in love."
Some people who appear to love unconditionally are merely co-dependent. Helpless and without boundaries, they don’t have enough self-esteem to speak up for their own sanity. Their attachment to their mate is due to neediness or fear of loss; certainly not real love.
On the other hand, it is such a pleasure to see people who really love each other. Imagine, two people who have worked through the compromise stuff and now are able to function as a team, mutually caring and sharing in a loving, healthy way.
Human love does really exist!
Real love, however, is not rooted in fantasy.
It starts with a healthy attraction, rather than
merely sensual excitement.
I am not saying romantic attraction is a bad thing. It is not bad, only commonly misunderstood and misused. Consider the consequences of seeking a partner by fantasy and projection (an illusion based upon something that never truly existed) and compare them to the consequences of seeking a partner based upon their authenticity, warmth, kindness, respect and integrity.
I have often said, "There is no one in my life that I don’t want there." In consideration of the thousands of people that I’ve encountered over the years, I’m pleased to report that no one who chooses to come around me these days is abusive or parasitic. Of course, it wasn’t always that way. Many years ago my brother said to me:
You teach people how to treat you.
Wow, what a revelation! If I don’t like the way that I am being treated, it is because I have, through low self-esteem, self-doubt or guilt, made a silent pact to take the abuse that I believe I deserve; or to pay, give my money/energy, to someone out of guilt. We don’t have to function from that space—ever!
Many singles seek a lover. When I ask, while coaching single clients, what they are seeking in a partner, they might start by describing the sterling qualities they want. They usually say something healthy like "Looks are nice, but how I feel with that person is more important." (See! People actually know the truth.)
"That makes for good chemistry," I say to myself. Then, in so many cases, next comes the self-defeating part of their story. They say, "No matter what else, there MUST be chemistry. I need to have that spark!" Wait a minute! They had first said they must have a good inner feeling about that person, that is the entire key to real chemistry, but unfortunately, that wasn’t enough for them.
They have now dragged in their chemical addiction
A.K.A. animal magnetism.
There is nothing wrong with sexual attraction.
There is something wrong with making it the only or
main reason for choosing a long-term partner.
I can usually tell if it is really a healthy energy/chemistry they are seeking. Sometimes, if the truth were known, they are merely needy or seeking sexual validation in order to compensate for their feelings of low self-esteem. Unconsciously, there is a co-dependency sought that will enable both of them to keep their issues alive regarding sexual attraction or financial security. Chemistry is the blend of qualities that interplay with others. How shallow it is to consider only looks or personality when these are merely masks and therefore changeable and insubstantial. I have seen attractive people going through "a bad patch" become physically unattractive in only a few months. Meanwhile,
People with character often become sweeter
and more beautiful with each passing year.
Do you need more evidence that there are two types of chemistry? Consider this: If chemistry were the same thing as appreciation for someone’s mind, soul and body, I think it is odd that addictive people describe a healthy potential mate like this: "He or she was a terrific person, very warm and sweet; it was just that I didn’t feel any chemistry!" Real chemistry is simply the resonance of mental frequency or, in other words, like-mindedness.
Physical excitement is no indication of true love.
The adventure sought in the chemistry becomes
a nightmare when the blind fury wears off.
When relationships are based solely on fantasy, they can only end in heartbreak when the bubble inevitably bursts. Healthy chemistry is when two people feel a loving devotion toward each other.
When people merely seek fireworks, you can bet
something is about to blow up in their faces!
Healthy relationships are about mutually sharing and reverently celebrating each person’s wholeness and loving qualities. Couples need a safe space to connect, soul to soul, in a loving, caring, devoted way.
Too many relationships are merely highly charged chemical reactions bound together by trade-offs and demands. These must be met or the relationship moves into drama mode. Regardless of your circumstances, if you would like to skip the co-dependent cycle, you must choose all your friends, lovers, and mates by their authenticity and character; by their true ability to give and receive love. Leave all other chemistry to the chemists!
Passionate feelings about a total stranger
are simply projections.
Seeker, be authentic. Fall in love with life. Your joy and love of life will attract kind, loving people who will recognize you for your qualities and character. Unlimited possibilities follow!
My friend Tina once told me,
An open heart will bring two people together,
though they are separated by time and space;
a closed heart will keep people from knowing each other,
even while gazing into each other’s eyes.
Don’t settle. Raise the bar. There is nothing boring about peace and joy. Peace simply frees one’s mind for future adventures of the soul. Life always supports us when we pursue something higher.
I have not found many people willing to give up the drama long enough to believe this message. I watch them with their broken hearts refusing to give up on the excitement of the knight in shining armor rescuing the princess so they can live happily ever after fantasy. No one explained to them that a fairy tale is not the same as reality.
Can people find happiness with one partner for a lifetime and also maintain the excitement? Although anything is possible, I have never seen that scenario occur and last. I have, however, seen many happy couples who, through acceptance of each other's strengths and weaknesses, develop a love that grows through the years. The physical excitement moderates, but it can also last a long time. As far as I have seen, that is as good as it gets. Inner beauty and warm, happy feelings seem to me to be quite high on the scale of human experience. Eternal sparks? I think not.
Imagine if people grew to adulthood waiting for
Santa Claus to fill all their dreams?
Well, they are!
Their knight or princess is as much a fantasy as St. Nick. Finding your perfect mate is totally possible, but not without an honest, tolerant, mature attitude.
In spite of all I’ve just said, if you can make enlightened choices and find a partner who is sincere and willing to work at the relationship, happiness is more than possible.
Remember, this book is all about miracles,
so get to work creating, or caring for, yours!
Once you’ve found your ideal partner don’t stop there. A relationship needs to be worked at to be maintained. Like your teeth, what you don’t appreciate and take care of, you lose!
~Todd Puntolillo
Copyright © 2006 by Todd Puntolillo
All rights reserved.
No part of this book may be reproduced, copied or transmitted in any form or by any means without
written permission from the author except for approved advertising and where permitted by law.
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Todd on Relationships 
